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  • Blanca Monique Sevilla

Grief

Grief is a pain like no other. Everything hurts. The pain of grieving is emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. It is all-encompassing... well, at least in my experience.


I always had a theoretical understanding of grief. I understood that there are no words to truly describe what grief feels like. I understood that different people grieve in different ways. I understood that there is no time frame, no time line, no time limit for grieving - time does not dictate grief. Grief is not linear and when you reach the "acceptance stage" your pain isn't gone, you've simply learned to manage it.


As of September 30, 2021 my understanding of grief has expanded. Not only do I understand grief on a theoretical level, I understand grief on a molecular level as well. Every part of me is in pain. I lost my grandfather. I knew that this day would come, I just expected to have a few more years with him.


My grandfather was hospitalized due to COVID. No one had been allowed to see him while he was hospitalized because he was a COVID patient. After he passed I was allowed in to see him. I held his hand and I cried. I told him how much I loved him and I begged for him to come back.


So many times I have asked why but there is no answer because there is no reason. Sometimes I ask why he didn't fight harder, why he couldn't hold on a little longer. My grandfather was a strong man. This was not the first time he had been in a hospital or the first time that he had been sick. Because of everything that my grandpa had survived I thought he could have fought this too - that he could have survived. I am trying to accept that his mind, body, and soul were fighting - he was fighting as hard as he possibly could. In the end, he didn't lose the fight because at that point the best way to protect him and to keep him safe was to let go. On some level I think he knew that. Of course this doesn't make any of this even the slightest bit easier but it helps.


Grief doesn't happen all at once or just one time. I will grieve my grandfather until my own death. I know eventually I'll cry less often, I might even make it through a day without feeling sad but I will always miss him. He is gone but his love isn't, our love for him isn't.


This has been so hard to write. I have so much to say but I'm struggling to put it into words.

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